| "I want to love myself as much as Fenix loves | | | | after that. Fenix was gone for 5 ½ days before he |
| himself. That's my goal," I stated firmly. You see, I | | | | showed up on the porch again, ready to be let in. |
| was telling my master mind partner, Sharareh, "I think | | | | So now that you know who Fenix is, I still haven't |
| God loves me at least as much as I love my cat." I | | | | told you about my goal to "love myself as much as |
| was reasoning that if I, as imperfect and conditional | | | | Fenix loves himself." You see, as a survivor of an |
| as I am, can spoil a stray and feed him gourmet food | | | | abusive upbringing, I somehow got the idea that I |
| and take him to the groomer at $50 a pop, then | | | | was responsible for everything and that somehow if |
| certainly God who is almighty, omnipotent and | | | | I controlled my behavior, I could control my |
| unconditional can take pretty good care of me if I | | | | environment and make people love me or treat me |
| just let Him. Shrareh said, "You have to love yourself | | | | well. As a result, I guess you could say I became a |
| as much as Fenix loves himself." | | | | control freak. Being a control freak is extremely |
| Loving myself as much as Fenix loves himself has | | | | exhausting and their aren't really any good payoffs to |
| been my goal for the past 3 months. Fenix is a | | | | it. In fact, it seems to me that the people who are |
| long-haired, Tabby Persian cat. He came to live with | | | | happiest and most successful do a lot of letting go. |
| us in 2001, 2 days after our house caught on fire and | | | | They allow others to help them. They have fun. |
| we went to live in a hotel for 8 months. | | | | They work in teams. They believe that they are |
| When we came home to visit our belongings and | | | | "worth it." In many ways, I think that's the majority |
| pack needed items for our stay away from home, | | | | of what sets success and failure apart. Well, I want |
| we saw this furry orange and white cat poking its | | | | success and happiness so I decided to take a lesson |
| head around corners and eventually working his way | | | | from my cat. |
| to live in a box on the porch. I had wanted a kitty | | | | Fenix is a perfect example of letting go and receiving. |
| for years but my husband insisted it would be | | | | When he wants love, he jumps on my lap, when he |
| disaster since we already had a dog. When I saw this | | | | doesn't, he bites me and runs away. When he's |
| scared, furry kitty on our porch, I couldn't help but | | | | hungry, he eats, when he's thirsty he drinks. Never |
| take it a can of tuna. Little did I know, two minutes | | | | once does he have to sit and wonder where his next |
| later I had a friend for life. After a few bites of tuna, | | | | meal will come from. He boldly showed up on our |
| he darted in the front door and straight to the family | | | | porch one day, decided he was home and refused to |
| room. | | | | leave. We caved into his wishes and went on to not |
| "We can't have a cat now," proclaimed my husband. I | | | | only feed and groom him but give him and extremely |
| had to admit, this time he was right. So, I scooped | | | | loving environment to live in daily. When I worry |
| up the kitty, walked him to the front door and set | | | | about life and not having enough, I look at Fenix. |
| him on the porch. Before I could close the door, he | | | | Sometimes I even stretch or take a nap. |
| whisked past my legs and straight into the family | | | | When Fenix ran off, right in the middle of this whole |
| room again. With some pleading and guilt trips, I | | | | lesson, I had to wonder...how does all of this fit in the |
| persuaded my husband to let us keep him. We | | | | plan? I love Fenix, he loves me, why is he gone? |
| named him Fenix because he's "out of the fire". The | | | | Well, here's what I realized today. Fenix was not only |
| spelling was inspired by Felix the Cat. | | | | bold enough to come proclaiming his princehood once. |
| So, off we went, Fenix, Hubby, me and Koya (a | | | | He actually has the nerve to take off, do his own |
| white Samoyed). We lived together in a condo loft | | | | thing for five days, come back with no explanation |
| for 8 months. When everything was prepared, we | | | | and march right in like he's the owner. He never once |
| returned to a beautifully redesigned and brand-new | | | | had to wonder "Do you think they'll let me back in? |
| home with all members of the family in tact. | | | | Do you think they still love me?" I can tell you, he |
| Fenix was coming to live in our home for the first | | | | didn't waste one second planning his alibi or practicing |
| time so we kept a tight rein on him until he realized | | | | his excuses. |
| this is his new and permanent home. We've been | | | | Just when I thought I loved myself as much as Fenix |
| back in the house almost 4 years now and if Fenix | | | | loves himself, I realized I had to kick it up another |
| ever runs off, he's usually very close by and begging | | | | notch and let go of the past. Just like I don't "hold it |
| to be let in the house within 15 minutes. | | | | against" Fenix for leaving and "breaking my heart" for |
| Last Saturday was different. We were gone from | | | | 5 days, I know that when I truly love and forgive |
| home most of the day and night and left an opening | | | | myself, I find people and situations that accept me |
| for the dog to get in and out while we were gone. | | | | as I am and who can love me even when I make |
| When we came home, Fenix was nowhere to be | | | | mistakes. I also know that when I accept myself, I'm |
| found. Not this night or the night after or the night | | | | 10 times more accepting of others and their "faults. |